I think that gorgeous is as much a state of mind as a perception of me by others. I understand that visually I conform to an idea of white european beauty, but I also know that in itself that doesn’t make me feel gorgeous. I need to be feeling as enamoured by myself as others in order to feel so and my sense of self is not always in a state that inclines me to that view. I feel that my self esteem and confidence contribute as much to my feeling gorgeous as my appearance, although a great hair-cut and a new lipstick always helps clinch the deal !
Health feels increasingly as relevant as mere appearance. I enjoy my body and like feeling vital and energetic enough to meet all the challenges I set myself or find I have to meet. I enjoy my sexuality and the expression of it. It has been and continues to be a source of great pleasure for me. And yes I like the way I look. I like seeing the mature woman emerging from the younger and it pleases me that I still look as good as I do.
But its getting more difficult. I’m rising fifty and month by month am finding I spend more time and more money just to keep a holding position as muscle and skin-tone relaxes and hair changes colour. It is dawning on me that I am going to be so busy going from hairdresser, to beautician, to pharmacy to running track in order to hold back the ravages of time and gravity I am not going to have time for too much else !
All of which makes me sound pretty desperate but in fact i suspect that these are issues that many women in mid-life face and decisions have to be made as to how to proceed that is clear. I am not as superficial as I may appear and despite wanting to keep my good looks, there are many more meaningful ways in which I want to spend my time in the next phase of my life. There are dearly loved family and friends to spend time with. There is work to be done, money needs to be made and a legacy put in place for my children. There are many great books to be read, wonderful places to see, music to listen to and art to enjoy. And there is still love. Wonderfully a late new love and thankfully therefore still sex and I want lots more of both of those.
So it feels time for a reappraisal, to decide anew what really matters to me, what kind of woman I am and wish to become, and now as I race into middle age where my self esteem is really rooted and how I nurture it. It feels time to decide how to spend my energies and money as I age and how to still feel good about myself whilst I adjust to the inevitability of aging.
Does being still gorgeous really matter that much to me and if so why ?
